Aftab

full interview

Are you ready?
Mhm.

Okay. I am interviewing Mrs. Aftab. Let’s start.
Go ahead.

Hmm… In what year did you come here?
I came here during the first days of summer 2018. Yeah, it has been 5 years and a few months.

What is the reason…
The reason that I came here?

Yes.
In Iran, I lived alone. My family didn’t support me and my life became hard. (Clearing throat) My income didn’t match my expenses. So, I was made to leave Iran. And huh … Ahh… I didn’t have any emotional relationship with ahhh… my family. There was nothing that I could connect with and to make me stay there. Since my gender is female and because of my sexual orientation and several other reasons I came to Turkey. Now, why did I choose Turkey? Because many of my mountain climbing friends with whom we were together already live in Turkey. Some of them were gone and while some others left during the 5 years of my stay here. And some of them are waiting to leave just like me.

To go to a third country?
Yes, to go to a third country.

Well, can you tell us about the problems you had in Iran and are having here?
It’s going to be really long, but I’ll try to tell you briefly. The family I lived with is not my real family. In the year 66 AH, at the end of the war between Iran and Iraq, I was adopted by my family in Amina’s orphanage. And my luck was that this family came and adopted me. And ahh… My family was not qualified to take care of a child either financially or psychologically. But hmm… Because it was the end of the war years, but now the families have to go through a series of tests. At that time, they were just trying to find guardians for children like me. For this reason, they took me under guardianship when I was six months old. But later they adopt a son. When I was five years old, my adoptive mother became pregnant. And since I had a religious-traditional family, the situation completely changed for me. And their child was a boy. In Iran, I was sexually abused both by my family and society. My father used to physically punish me and my adopted brother. And he did not do these things to his own son at all. At a very bad time, they told me that I am not their child. When I was 18 years old, they told me and humiliated me. At the age of 22, I decided to leave home because of many problems I had both mentally and financially. They wanted me to work and bring money. And… Ahh… What do you call it? Hmm… I didn’t have freedom. They made me get married. From the 7th grade onwards, I realized that I am not attracted to men. And they forced me to get married. Later, with my threats that I would commit suicide. Ahhh… they agreed to leave me. And ummm… I separated from my family at the age of 22. I ran away from my house with a handful of clothes because they wanted me to get married again. After that… I was working and studying at the same time. The situation was difficult for me because I was the only girl. In Tehran, when they found out that I am a single girl, the owners of the houses kicked me out of the house. There were few cases where I could stay at home for a year. Every six months, the owners of the houses used to throw me out of the house. My situation had become very difficult and I had no sexual and social freedom at all. I was caught many times by the morality patrol police because of my hijab. And hmm… ummm… all these things made me decide to leave Iran. My friends suggested that I join them, friends who were in Turkey and had a better life. I have to change my destiny. My close friends know me as a woman who wants to change my life. I always had a lot of problems. And what are my problems here? For me, the problems here are more than in Iran, because here I have to take care of myself more. In Iran, there were only Iranian men that I had to take care of, but here it is Iranian, Turkish, Arab and many others. A month and a half ago, where I live, I was sexually assaulted by an 80-year-old man from my neighbors. And I couldn’t go and complain to the police because I didn’t have money to change my house. Here the economic crisis is getting worse. And insecurity is more than Iran. I live in a small coastal town. They have many conservative families and it is full of Arabs. I don’t leave the house much and my depression has increased. I have severe social anxiety. Ummm… my problems have not decreased but rather increased.

How does it make you feel?
What?

How does it make you feel in the situation that you are now?
You get tired of life, you regret being alive. But… I always give an example to my friends that I am in the middle of a dark tunnel, but at the end of that tunnel, there is a narrow light that gives me hope for life. Now let’s see what happens. I hope my situation gets better so I can reach a safe place.

What things made you able to stand on your own feet and help you better in this difficult situation?
Nothing. Just I helped myself.

Both in Iran and here.
Myself. I was always by myself. I am my own mother, father, sister, brother and friend. Nothing and no one has helped me. I helped myself.

Can you say that you helped yourself?
Yeah. I have not received any help from those around me.

When you were in Iran, did you have a dream?
Freedom has always been my dream. Freedom can be in any sense. I don’t even have financial independence. And I always see if there is an organization to help me or not. I cannot work legally. I can’t work in a male-dominated environment because of the severe traumas I have and I get stigmatized. I am not comfortable with men at all. It is not easy to get a job, there is an economic crisis here, even young Turks are unemployed. And for us as foreigners, it is very difficult to be employed. I am also a refugee and a foreigner in this country.

Ah…. Now, do you want to talk about the dream or the light you see at the end of the tunnel?
The light at the end of the tunnel is aid organizations like the UN. At this stage of life, the same light becomes the same organization. I don’t know… Ahh … Hmmm… Ah.. This interview can be a part of that light at the end of the tunnel.

Do you have a specific hope and dream now?
Yes, I do. Freedom from the Middle East. I want to get out of the Middle East.

Say with this expression that this is my dream.

My dream is that this year will be my last year here and next year I will be in a safe country and have freedom of speech. Here, there is only the name of freedom, but there is no real freedom. Only hijab is not compulsory and women can drink alcohol. And there is no more freedom. Here, when their political activists protest, they are quickly arrested. We were able to hold Pride in Turkey only in 2018, and we have been prevented from doing so for four years. What is this freedom? When the president of this country does not accept the LGBTQ community. What am I really doing here? I wish to be freed from here.

I hope you get what you want. And the paths will be smoother for you.
Amen.

Do you have a message to add?
I did several interviews, but umm… I like that the interviews are two-way. It should not be as much as taking a document from us. I have to see something positive in return for these interviews. I need to see the impact of interviews in my life. For example, I have a Gofundme profile that was previously created by an organization. Share my profile. Take a step because both you and I were present in this interview and we spent time. I hope that good things will happen to all of us.

I have a question for you. You said that you used to help yourself both in Iran and here. Would you like to explain more about this? Maybe these words will help other people.
Ummmmm…we are living in a strange paradox, we are in a group, but everyone works hard for themselves. We have relationships with many people, but in the end, we are all by ourselves. When I come from the Middle East and especially Iran as a woman… hmmm…. If I don’t help myself, I’ve lost everything. I am between losing and getting out of Iran. I chose to leave Iran. I figured out that no one would help me. Neither family nor friends. I concluded that I… ummm…
I have to become my own support system. My inner self has helped me. My inner child is so wounded that sometimes I have to heal its pain myself. No one has helped me.

How do you feel when you can help yourself?
I feel suffocated. If you are in a bad situation, the external pain fuels your internal pain. Because of this, the situation in Turkey makes people’s situation worse. Lack of security and expensive food. Sexual intercourse also bothers me a lot mentally, and it still refreshes the pains of my childhood and the past. As a suffering woman, if I go and enter a better country, I will definitely not look for past memories. Because I can enjoy the present moment.

I try to heal myself by reading books and listening to podcasts. There are great psychotherapists on YouTube who have podcasts, I listen to them. I try to write about my life and in the middle of all this you call and want to interview me. Maybe this will become a document. Ummm… aaaah… maybe someone will read my story and take a step through you. Yes, I am trying to manifest the life I want.

What will be the name of that horrible feeling, because it will be tangible so that we can know it better.
That child inside me has a sad and oppressed look. That oppressed child inside me is also a mother. That strong mother inside of me won’t let me give up. This is a nice feeling.

How does that strong mother inside you help the child inside you?
It gives her peace and security. The meditation that I do every day and the four elements of nature that I am in touch with and the sunlight… ummm… are the basic things. They give me the most energy and make me feel good. I enjoy simple things more. It recharges my soul. It gives more energy to the mother inside and gives more peace to my inner child to continue the journey and not to give up.

I hope that you get more peace and that you achieve all your dreams.
Amen. Thank you. The same for you.

Thank you for your time.
You’re welcome.