Hassan Hafid

full interview

Shall we start with the interview?
Yes, we can start.

It’s okay. Hey… Now, at present, what type of housing do you live in?
Okay. Because I’ve been living on the street for a long time. It’s seven months or something. Mm. You see. It’s a little… A little harsh. While I’ve been here since 2019. It’s a long time, you know? Some things happened to me. I don’t know. [Unintelligible]. Seriously? I’m ruined, but okay.

Can you describe to me what it does to you, eh?… How do the conditions in which you live make you feel?
How do I feel?

Yes, how do the conditions in which you live make you feel?
Mm, I feel bad. What else am I going to feel? Whereas you come here with an imagination, something like that. Some dreams. And then I stay here for about five years, I can’t, I can’t fix things.

Mm. Who do you live with?
Alone.

Do you live alone?
Yes.

How do you spend your time here? Do you work? Do you do anything?
Seriously, no. I can’t work, as I say. I don’t have a residence or… And besides, here Black people can’t work illegally. But I’m doing school things, schools and something like that. So I can forget about these hard times, you know? So I don’t think about why, you know? Because if I don’t do anything and such, then some hard feelings arise.

Sure, okay. What are the things that bring you joy, that make you feel happy?
My father and my family.

They make you feel happy.
It’s just that they’re the only thing that supports me in this life… Besides, my dad, because I have a mom, has been dead since 2003 and he’s like the only one… since I was a child who supports me and makes me feel good, you know? And right now, too. Yeah.

Okay. How has life been since you came here? How has your life been since you arrived here in Barcelona?
Hm, it happened the other way around than I imagined before. To Barcelona, it’s the other way around. My trip to Barcelona… At the last minute, I forgot my passport. It’s like the street, it gives me… that thing of looking for some solution or something and I just stay there, pum. And the passport… it’s like. You can’t, without a passport you can’t do anything. And besides, with my associations, they are the ones who can afford it, and they still can’t find it. It’s not just the passport that I want. I have a lot to do, and most of all they are for when I have this residency. But I don’t know when that might come. And I was in pain too, but less every day, like I said, I was studying or something and going… help me to forget.

Okay, mm, what’s been good about being here since you arrived? What was the good thing? What has been good and what has been difficult?
Good. The hard part… the good thing is that I’m talking. I can speak languages, and in three years I could speak two languages, Catalan and Spanish. And to know what it’s like… learn things too, studying and so on.

You’ve outdone yourself, haven’t you?
Yes.

You’ve learned things.
Yes, of course. That’s normal, hm.

And what’s difficult?
Hm, the good thing too is, I have friends who make you happy, who let me… forget about being sad and so on. And the bad thing is that I still can’t have papers and take off these strings because I feel like I’m tied up. It’s just that I have, you know? Like… starting tomorrow I can work and do things with my car, truck, and language cards. It’s just that starting tomorrow I can help people to… improve their lives, but I don’t know if [unintelligible] and such things, but let’s see…

How does it make you feel to be away from the rest of your family, from your home?
Very bad. Terrible.

Does it make you feel bad?
Terrible. Seriously, terrible. But it’s okay.

How does the sense of not belonging affect you? Can you describe it?
How? How? I don’t understand.

How does feeling far away affect you?
How do I feel? How does that make me feel? It makes me feel bad, really. Sometimes I take these courses… Sometimes… One afternoon I didn’t go because I wanted to be alone and leave so many people, so… just to forget my family members, be far away and alone and, you know? They are the only things that make me have more energy, to do things. They make me strong and supportive and have patience and such. Some people can stay here for two years without feeling homesick… these strange things happen. And whether you are going to come back and such, but I haven’t been here for long, but I don’t… I need to finish with what I started. All those years that I lost, that left two years ago and don’t go away like that… what happened hasn’t been easy, no. You have to find something and do something. Hopefully, it shall end soon.

Do you think you’ve developed the capacity to face these challenges? Do you think you always had this ability, this strength, this resilience mechanism, to be able to face everything that has happened?
Yes. Yes. Because as I told you, my family is the one that always supports me and also my dad. It’s like… he’s, he’s big, class from the year 97 or something. I can’t talk too much, but two words, three alone and these two words and I am new, I feel a lot, a lot of things, you know?

They give you energy.
Yes, seriously, we can’t talk much. Two words, three and that’s it. And this does make me happy and sometimes that’s when I finish the, the system, call I’m already crying there. But… [Hassan starts sobbing].

It’s okay, don’t worry. No rush. Take your time. [Hassan sobs in the background] Calm down. Whenever you want to continue, you tell me. Okay, take it easy.
All right, can we continue?

Yes? Are you all right? Are you sure?
I’m not well, but let’s finish.

It’s okay. Tell me a little bit. Why did you leave your country? Can you describe what happened? Why did you leave your country? What happened that made you leave?
Because I wanted to improve my life and make my parents happy. At least just a little bit because they did when I was little, you know, because of me. It makes me cry, I don’t want to lose them before I return the favor, you know? Do good.

It’s okay.
[unintelligible] [Hassan keeps sobbing, then blows his nose] Thank you.

Um. How did that moment make you feel, the moment you decided, you said, “Well, I’m leaving my country”? How did you feel the moment you said, “Well, I’m leaving my country”?
I feel broken and in pain, but I can see… my dreams, you know? Some dreams that I need to come true, but as I already told you when you’re tied up and like that, you can’t move, you can’t move and that’s it.

How was the trip here? Are there any particularly difficult experiences you can tell us about? How did you get here? How was your way here?
When people, people are going on a trip. They’re on the plane. Either that or a car or a bus. And I came under a [inaudible] and the wheel has been spinning next to my head. It sounds made up but no.

No, I believe you. 
And that’s the way it is. It’s like that. Not just me, a lot of guys came that way. As poor people, you don’t have the money to pay. Some people pay and go there and they already get a visa and then do things, but I can’t, I say, “I’m leaving, I’m leaving, that’s it, one shoot”. It’s just that I need authorization from my father and when I had it, I already left all at once. And that’s it. Because I can’t see my father like that, my family like that. Everything has been ruined. Tch. It’s unfair.

When you came here, um… Can you tell me something something particular? Anything particular that happened to you? something that happened to you on the way here.
On this trip until…? It’s just that… pain there, cold until you get here and on the street itself is as I already know… that you sleep on the street again. It’s like crazy. And it’s like ever since I said to my father, “I want to go”, this is how I’m prepared to live this hard. Whatever hard thing is going to happen. But hey, this is what I rely on as well. Because I know this isn’t, this is going to end someday. Hopefully.

How did that moment when you said, “OK, I’m leaving” make you feel? What did you feel?
I feel bad because I had to leave my family. The people that always supported me since I was a child and… There are good things too, there are, but I came here for my future, you know?

And you think about… when.. do… Tch. Excuse me. Do you often think about all these events that made you come here? Do you regularly think about all this that made you come from your country? If you think about this often.
Hmmm, yes. Sometimes. Because that’s why I’m studying, if I don’t study and do things, I will have this zombie sense of loneliness that’s killing me. That, that’s bad.

Have you ever imagined that you could handle this situation that you are experiencing today?
No. Never, I imagine that I was going to live better and improve things in life and such. But hey, on each side comes a paddle… a slap. But hey, it can take time to achieve what we want.

How have you been able to survive all of this? How have you managed to survive all this that has happened to you?
As I said, the thing is that now what makes me live well or badly is my family. In addition to my dad, he supports me and really, he makes me… just talking to him or seeing him on camera I already feel good, that’s it, I don’t want anything else. But you know I feel pain if I can’t see him, them.

Well, you already told me, uh… What was your dream when you left your country?
In my country, I used to play soccer in Morocco before, yes. Until one day I had surgery on my right knee. And this moment came, I didn’t know if I could go to Europe and improve it and see and it became an opportunity for… it’s like… how to do my show in English, right? But hey, it’s not happening yet. Sometimes I come and go boxing because my knee is a little bad, I’m going to train boxing and I’m going to do something, you know? It’s just that I don’t want anything, it’s like doing something of my own. I want to search for myself, I want to find myself. That’s why I came here. No family or anything… You have to live through pain to find yourself anywhere in the world. The whole world.

Before leaving your home country, what was your strength? Have you kept it? Your strength, your strength, what makes you feel that you can move on and have you upbeat?
Yes, my dad. Like I said, my family and my dad. That’s what always does me good. And…

What you’ve been through… Hmm. It seems difficult. Do you feel that you have grown in any way with all this? Do you feel that you have grown, that you have learned?
Of course. Of course. Hard things happen, that’s a master class. You don’t have to lose it or play with it. You need to understand it and do it seriously. And it’s already true that I’ve changed a lot, a lot. Not just a lot but a lot. So yeah.

What are your hopes and dreams for the future?
To be happy with myself, and my family and to achieve what I want to achieve.

It’s okay. Well, we appreciate that you’ve learned… that you’ve answered all of these questions, but would you like to add something that can help people better understand the lives of refugees here? Do you want to contribute something? To say something that you know will contribute.
What I want is… this Witness Change could give me a hand, an opportunity. I could show them what I’m like. I am a new person, I feel it inside me. But I’m going to need a hand. You can’t applaud with one hand, but with two you can.

It’s okay. Thank you very much, Hassan.