Tabasom Fatemi

full interview

Hello and how are you?
Fine, thanks.

We’re about to start? Are you ready?
Yes.

About your current situation. In what kind of housing do you live?
In the camp, in a room which is about 20 to 25 meters. It is a closed area that approximately a thousand people live in.

Would you explain the situation? The situation of the place where you stay.
Mmm… It has a corridor and the rooms are next to each other, (there are) different rooms –  big and small ones. It has a shared toilet. The air conditioning is low standard.

How about the food?
I don’t like it. Haha.

Haha … who do you live with?
I live with my daughter and a lady with her son.

How do you spend your time here?
I spend most of my time at my room.

Do you work here?
I worked in the kitchen.

What makes you happy?
Music.

Haha… here I mean. In the camp.
Here, what makes me happy?

Yes.
A good sleep. I could not sleep soundly for a long time.

Since you entered Europe how has your life been?
The things that I have achieved here in the last two months are relaxation and peace.

What are the benefits of staying here?
Benefit? Here I have  hope for my life and I think I can improve here (rather) than in my country.

What has been difficult for you?
Here?

Yes.
Everything is hard.

Give me an example.
Loneliness, roving and I could not speak with anyone. The facilities that we should have, but we don’t have them. There is no chance of contacting with other parts of the world.

Would you describe how living here has made you feel?
To be honest, homesick. Nothing except it.

How has being far from other members of the family make you feel?
All the members of my family have turned into my enemies except the family of my parents, father and mother. Being far from my parents and brother is really tough. 

How does the feeling of not belonging and discrimination affect you? Can you explain it?
Here?

Yes.
Because I think we have lower status than them, it is so annoying for me. When I compare us with other people, I really know that we, Iranians, are elites and artists. And the fact that they want to see us as different is definitely very annoying to me.

Have you ever imagined you could handle this sort of situation?
Nope, not at all

How did you defeat it to live peacefully and pass these difficulties?
I knew that  if I stayed in Iran, it would be dangerous  for me and for my daughter. And now this hard situation is like a paradise for me.

Do you think you  had the ability to fight  these conditions with the abilities  or did you inherit the ability, mechanism and resistance?
Yes. One hundred per cent.

Now about your past. Why did you  leave your country?
Because …

Talk about the things that happened to you.
It’s  a long story. Isn’t it a problem?

No.
I was a manager in a governmental company for five years. All the entrances and exits of the company were  under my authority. At least, twenty to twenty-five men were working under my supervision. Because my major was accounting, all my work was with accounting. After six or seven months, I knew that the company was corrupt like other governmental corporations that are corrupt. The corporations are covered with embezzlement. They committed felonies and exported illegal goods. I did my job and it was not important to me who did what. I did my job because I was a  single mom with my daughter. I had to make ends meet. I did my job quietly. The manager of the corporation knew that I was a  single mom and he wanted to contact me. He wanted to have a relationship with me. I rejected him, but he insisted a lot. It took five years. He yelled at me and talked down on me. He  threatened to fire me. Eventually, I got tired. I got hurt and it disturbed my mental health in a way that at 6:00 am, I’d  take my pills and go to work. I started going crazy. When we got to Nowruz holiday (Persian new year’s), because he didn’t give [inaudible]I came home and said to my family that I don’t want to go to work anymore. I described the story to my dad. Then my father went to the corporation and asked them that why did your manager do this? The CEO of the corporation came and said to me that as a revenge for my behavior, that I wanted to disclose the exports of the company. The exports were illegal. I don’t know how to say this… Several government offices supported our company like  the ‘Sepah’ (National Iranian guards) and other offices. If I said anything, all of them faced problems. They warned me of being killed because I was considered a danger to them. I hid for some days. One of the employees of the company called me and told me not to let my daughter go to kindergarten. They wanted to kidnap my daughter because they thought I had some documents from the company. They said that they wanted to kidnap my daughter. Then we figured out everything. I asked my uncle to help me get out of the city. He took me to my aunt. They fired the car of my uncle with acid and broke the glass of his car. In a nutshell, I was not secured. They were on my tail to kill me.

How did you feel at that time?
The worst feeling of my life. I could not sleep well for six months.

How  was your trip to Europe?
The worst trip of my life. It was really hard.

Were there any tough situations that you want to talk about it? 
No, there was nothing. Just being alone was hard.

How did you feel at that time?
I felt like I was choked.

Do you often think about these events?
A lot. They even come to me in my dreams.

Are there any specific things that you think about?
I think about what will happen to me here.

How do you feel when you think about it?
I feel fear. 

Does the situation you face today affects your life? How?
Yes, a lot.

How?
I had everything. I came from 100 to 0. Here even one step is really hard for me because I had all of them and lost them. Here I encounter a vague world that I cannot talk and it is not clear yet whether I get accepted or not. I see a turbulent way before my eyes.

Have you ever imagined you could handle the situation?
Nope, never.

How could you have managed your life and survived?
My father and brother helped me.

Have you developed a strategy or coping mechanism to get through the hard days and the overwhelming memories? I don’t know what you mean.

Dealing to defeat the hard days.
Here?

No. In the past.
I could not do anything. When I came here, I left all my pills. In a day, at least I had 5 to 6 sedative pills. Approximately I didn’t eat food for 2 to 3 weeks. Whatever I ate, I vomited because of fear. 

Where did you get the strength and support?
My daughter.

What was your dream before the event that led you to escape from home? You can say my dream was this. You can start with this phrase.
Hhmm…

If you don’t want to answer, it is okay.
I made all my dreams in Iran. 

You have the authority. If you want to answer or don’t want to answer is okay.
It is very hard. I tried for five years to build my life and I lost everything in one moment. My dream is to have a relaxed and healthy life.

When you left your country what was you dream for the future? You can say that I had a dream.
To live with peace.

Summary of the questions. Before you left your country what were your dreams and goals? Who  supported you/ who gave you strenght?
My parents, brother and daughter.

Have you kept them?
Yes.

How?
I  brought my daughter with me (despite) the difficulties. My brother is on his way and I’m trying my best to bring my parents as well because they are not safe. 

What  you went through seems really difficult. Do you feel like you grew in any way as a result of this experience, or has anything positive come out of it?
I get a good amen.

 What hopes and dreams do you now have for the future? You can say that my dream is this.
My dream is this that I can make a very good life here, once again. My life was ruined three times already. I have a dream of making myself a life that is never going to be ruined. 

Inshallah. Thank you for answering these questions. Do you want to add something so that European people can better understand the life of asylum seekers here?
I think that everyone here has  some sort of pain. The smallest pain for me can be the biggest pain  for other people. Some people had to come here because they were without a job, with no money with no possibility of being married in Iran. To be honest, most of them could not get married in Iran. Lack of security (as well) and no jobs bring people to come here. We have thousands of hopes in Iran, but we end up disappointed. I know now of some of the 13 or 14-year-old girls that committed suicide in Iran because they knew they didn’t have a good future. I have come here to make a better life for my daughter. And I know this is all of our dream.

Thank you.
You’re welcome.